If I were writing with the twentysomethings in mind I would say “Gurrl, don’t do it!” But, the reality is for the thirty-plus-set, it oftentimes comes with the dating territory. For all of you who know me intimately; you know that I am a stepmom to a really cute, charming and playful 9 year old. And if you know me, you know that being a stepmom is something that (after 2 months of courtship, 7months of shacking up and 2 years and 4 months of marriage) I am still working on. It has not come easy for me.
The only other time I dated a man with a child was a few months prior to meeting my husband. Ronnie and I met in the Miami airport terminal. He was really cute and his five year old daughter was so precious. As faith would have it, the three of us boarded the plane and were seated in the same row. By the end of the plane ride, I learned that Ronnie lived in NJ and his daughter, Ashley, lived in Miami with her mom. He had custodial rights during long school breaks and 8 weeks in the Summer. We reached Newark Airport and said our goodbyes. Ashley gave me a hug and he gave me his number with a note that read CALL ME, PLEASE!!! 2 weeks later, I said WHY NOT and called. We met at Fuddruckers and he brought Ashley along…interesting. A week later I agreed to meet him at the movies…we saw Cars (the cartoon about a racecar with feelings)…not so interesting. Ronnie and Ashley were really cute, so I gave it one more try; he took us to Dave & Buster’s…I wanted out! I decided that dating a Man with a child was not for me. I was not ready for all of those “play-dates.”
And then came Sean. He winked…I winked back and we met for drinks. I knew he had a child. He made it clear in his profile. Interestingly enough, his profile also stated that he would not date a single mother. Needless to say we hit it off. We were inseparable. Jay did not come into the picture until we were completely smitten with each other. So unlike the situation above, I stayed with it. It wasn’t easy but it got better. So, on this Single Ladies Friday, I will share with you the lessons I learned from dating a man with a child.
Dating with children meant just that. Once we met, Jay and I had to get to know each other; feel each other out, have some play-dates. The problem with that was: our relationship was being measured on a scale that Sean and I set. It was not fair to Jay. I had to let our relationship take its natural course, not fault him for wanting his Daddy all to himself and not expect him to like me after 2 months. I learned that there was no room for selfishness when dating with children. I had to compromise. There were times when I would have to go to Fuddruckers, Dave & Buster’s and watch movies in which animated objects cried. I also learned that the child should be prepared ahead of time for the changes that may come in adding another person to the equation. Finally, I learned that if the relationship is to move forward there should be at length discussions about expectations in the newly formed relationships. For example, whether or not the long-term girlfriend or boyfriend will assume the role of parent or merely support the parent in his/her single parenting role. Dating a man with a child was complicated, but above all else, I learned that if I had passed up the chance to date a Man with a child, I would have passed up on a great Man.
RoseyYNot – Contributing Editor
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I am kind of interested in knowing why the double standard with respect to the single mothers …
I’ve always said I would NEVER date a guy who already has a child. I had that “perfect” relationship in mind where my husband and I would share that beautiful experience of having our first child together. Its still very hard for me knowing that our first child wont be his first child. In addition to that, there are many more struggles as you mentioned above… what if his daughter doesn’t like me? what happens if I try to discipline her? No doubt, dating and eventually marrying a man who already has a child can be difficult, but passing on this man would have meant passing on the love of my life.
I would also like to know why Sean would not date a single mom. I am a single mom and I find dating to be extra difficult because the man has to be good for me and my child. I would love to date a man who is a committed father (not a deadbeat dad), but ironically, I’ve only dated one man with a child. I tend to meet men without kids and I find that they have a hard time dealing with the fact that they can’t be my first priority, or even my second (after my career).
Dating as a single parent, not looking forward to it, but it’s inevitable when I’m finally ready to get back out there. I dated a couple of guys who had children before but it was never an issue for me, because I never took them seriously, they were just part of my serial dating phase. I can understand why a man wouldn’t want to date a single mom, not just to play devil’s advocate, but seriously… my child consumes me, my life revolves around him, my needs come second, and any potential suitors are not going to be very high on my list of priorities. Not to mention the fact that dates would never be spontaneous but scheduled way in advance so I could make childcare arrangements.
When people divorce the mother is typically the custodial parent, so her free time (as I detailed above) is non-existent. Single fathers on the other hand have occasional overnights or weekends andt still have the time and energy to put in to a relationship, that most single moms just don’t have. I would never introduce my son to anyone I was dating unless I saw a future with that person. I’m not the kind of mom who would ever bring a man home & have no desire to take my son on a date. Would I date a man with a child now? Yes, I’m open to that only if they are a like-minded and committed parent. I would actually prefer to date someone who has an understanding of my struggles as a single parent first-hand. After being separated for a year and half, I’m still not ready to deal with all of that. Just thinking about it stresses me out.
So there have been questions as to why I as a single dad indicated that I did not want to date someone with a child. My reason was not self serving at all. I was a single dad but also a weekend, long holidays dad. My son means alot to me and he did not deal with not having his dad around everyday as he did until age 3 well. I did not want to put him in a situation where I was dating someone with a child whose child I would have spent more time with and formed a bond with and cause my child to become jealous, feeling even more abandoned, and have emotional issues. If I were to date someone with a child I would have been all in, and would have loved that child like my own. I however did not want to do that at the expense of the emotions of my own child. So really, I was making his emotional needs a priority.
So, Sean, what happens if you guys have a child?
Just as Tanika asked, that’s the first question that came to my mind … the argument seems a bit flawed despite Sean’s intentions. The fact is when we decide to have blended families these are the consequences. Deciding not to date or marry a woman with children does not diminish the fact that children from a prior relationship can end up on the fringe of the family. Once there is a new household with new children its really up to the PARENTS to make ALL the children feel equally loved and like they are part of one cohesive unit. To add to this, it seems a bit unfair that Rose is expected to raise and love a child from a prior marriage as if it it were her own but then she is not offered the same acceptance. Maybe it should be considered that Sean would have passed up on a great woman simply because Rose had prior offspring.
If parenting is the hardest job on earth then being a step-parent is even harder.
However, statistically, it is easier with younger children. The important thing is for the step and biological parent to be on the same wavelength and establish rules for their home. Now these may differ from that of the other biological parent but the ground rules have to be set.
The step-parent must also understand that love and trust may take a long time to build, if it ever does. That is just part and parcel of the scenario.
Communication is the name of the game through group discussions and one on ones with the child.
To be honest, Rose should not be expected to raise the child in this case but moreso, command respect and stick to the agreed to ground rules. Love, from and for the child, may result as a by-product. That is the harsh reality.
Why alot of these relationships fail is due to the belief that everything will be ‘rosy’ (no pun intended) from day one.
I agree that Sean not wanting a single parent was a choice that could have resulted in him not meeting Rosy (if she had a child). However, it is easier, statistically, to form a bond with a new born and a step child than two step children.
The newborn will grow to accept his/her reality, where as another stepchild will have to be persuaded and convinced.
Point well taken. I am a full time event planner and can appreciate your insight on the subject. Good luck.