If I were writing with the twentysomethings in mind I would say “Gurrl, don’t do it!”  But, the reality is for the thirty-plus-set, it oftentimes comes with the dating territory.  For all of you who know me intimately; you know that I am a stepmom to a really cute, charming and playful 9 year old.  And if you know me, you know that being a stepmom is something that (after 2 months of courtship, 7months of shacking up and 2 years and 4 months of marriage) I am still working on.  It has not come easy for me.  

The only other time I dated a man with a child was a few months prior to meeting my husband.  Ronnie and I met in the Miami airport terminal.  He was really cute and his five year old daughter was so precious.  As faith would have it, the three of us boarded the plane and were seated in the same row.  By the end of the plane ride, I learned that Ronnie lived in NJ and his daughter, Ashley, lived in Miami with her mom.  He had custodial rights during long school breaks and 8 weeks in the Summer.  We reached Newark Airport and said our goodbyes.   Ashley gave me a hug and he gave me his number with a note that read CALL ME, PLEASE!!!  2 weeks later, I said WHY NOT and called.  We met at Fuddruckers and he brought Ashley along…interesting.  A week later I agreed to meet him at the movies…we saw Cars (the cartoon about a racecar with feelings)…not so interesting.  Ronnie and Ashley were really cute, so I gave it one more try; he took us to Dave & Buster’s…I wanted out!  I decided that dating a Man with a child was not for me.  I was not ready for all of those “play-dates.”

And then came Sean.  He winked…I winked back and we met for drinks.  I knew he had a child.  He made it clear in his profile.  Interestingly enough, his profile also stated that he would not date a single mother.  Needless to say we hit it off.  We were inseparable.  Jay did not come into the picture until we were completely smitten with each other.  So unlike the situation above, I stayed with it.  It wasn’t easy but it got better. So, on this Single Ladies Friday, I will share with you the lessons I learned from dating a man with a child. 

Dating with children meant just that.  Once we met, Jay and I had to get to know each other; feel each other out, have some play-dates.  The problem with that was: our relationship was being measured on a scale that Sean and I set. It was not fair to Jay.   I had to let our relationship take its natural course, not fault him for wanting his Daddy all to himself and not expect him to like me after 2 months.  I learned that there was no room for selfishness when dating with children.  I had to compromise.  There were times when I would have to go to Fuddruckers, Dave & Buster’s and watch movies in which animated objects cried.  I also learned that the child should be prepared ahead of time for the changes that may come in adding another person to the equation.  Finally, I learned that if the relationship is to move forward there should be at length discussions about expectations in the newly formed relationships.  For example, whether or not the long-term girlfriend or boyfriend will assume the role of parent or merely support the parent in his/her single parenting role.   Dating a man with a child was complicated, but above all else, I learned that if I had passed up the chance to date a Man with a child, I would have passed up on a great Man. 

RoseyYNot – Contributing Editor

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