My Single Lady friends seem to be going through a dry spell this month. We are nearing the end of December and I have not heard one dating story that I can sink my advice into. So on this Single Ladies Friday, I am going to get into what the rest of the world is talking about: cheating men a.k.a. Tiger Woods.
Since his story broke it’s been impossible to avoid talking about men and their cheating ways, the side chick and the unsuspecting girlfriend/wife. I know I may get a great deal of backlash for what I’m about to say but here goes…Why are women so surprised when men cheat have sex with another woman? By their very nature men are inclined to have sex with more than one woman. It is part of their genetic make-up. Society has conditioned men to control that impulse but it is still there. Spend just one hour watching Animal Planet, the male species in action, and my statement will all make sense.
Case in Point — On Sunday while Facebooking a message popped up. It was my Facebook friend Robert. Okay, we’re not really friends. We went on four or five dates back in 2001. It was fun but it fizzled. Yet here we were chit-chatting on FB messenger. I congratulated him on his recent marriage. He explained that he was still adjusting. I could relate. It took me about six months. When I asked him what he was having difficulty with. He did not mince words. Robert said that he was having a hard time controlling his desire to be with other women. I was surprised, but I was not shocked.
I was surprised given that, for fear of being judged, most people do not freely admit that they experience these feelings. I was not shocked, however, since I firmly believe that monogamy does not come naturally for men. Rather, monogamy is something that Men have to diligently commit to practicing out of respect for their partners and for physical health reasons. Woman must stop going into relationships with the idea that, once committed he will stop looking, he will stop fantasizing, he will stop wanting to sleep with other women and he will stop being a man. Instead, women should have real and honest conversations with their partners about how that impulse can be channeled into their own personal sexual relationship.
My advice to Robert was to communicate his sexual inclinations with his wife, work harder on transferring his desires towards his wife and work harder on staying committed. He said that she would not hear any of it. It is what it is. Robert will more than likely have sex with another woman. If I could advise the Mrs. or any Lady in a committed relationship, I would beseech her to: buy a wig for when he wants a red-head; slip into a French-maid outfit when he wants the house cleaned; spice it up when it gets bland. Be that other woman. Use his impulse to your advantage. Ladies, if you want no parts of it…please do not play the unsuspecting girlfriend/wife role later on.
BTW- Tigers are not a part of the male species…Mr. Woods should have his own special on Animal Planet! LOL!
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Kat Hertlein, Ph.D., professor of human development at the University of Nevada – Las Vegas and a marriage and family therapist estimates that approximately 40% of men seek sexual satisfaction outside their relationships.
That number hasn’t changed much since 1950, when the famous Kinsey sex study found that 50% of U.S. men cheat at some point in their marriages.
According to David Buss, professor of psychology at the University of Texas and author of The Evolution of Desire: Strategies of Human Mating (BasicBooks), the No.1 reasonmen cheat is: Men crave sexual “variety,” .
“They’ve evolved the desire to be with different women,” he says.
That’s because it’s very simple for men to reproduce (one act of sex versus nine months of pregnancy for women), so to create as many offspring as possible they’re biologically programmed to mate with many women.
“The ‘payoff’ in reproductive currencies [kids] of a short-term mating strategy generally has been higher for men than women,” Buss says.
So after thousands of generations, “this has forged in the male brain a desire for sexual variety.”
Other top reasons men cheat? They’re unhappy with their mates – and extramarital sex is cheaper and easier to get these days, Buss says.
And “power wives” beware: Being married to a high-profile guy ups the odds he’ll wander.
“Women are attracted to men who have power and status, so public figures usually have plenty of opportunity,” Buss says.
That being said, the reasons why men cheat in a relationship are often different than the reasons why women cheat. A man’s reason for cheating can encompass a wide variety of reasons including genetics, a sense of challenge, self esteem and a lack of interest in their current relationship. While none are justifiable all of these can be reasons why a man chooses to stray and cheat on his current partner.
A theory exists that testosterone levels in men make them more susceptible to infidelity. This theory is based on the hypothesis that men are genetically predisposed to cheating because they are ingrained with the notion that the survival of the species is dependent on their procreation. While this may be true it is certainly not an excuse for unfaithfulness in our age of overpopulation. It may be true that in prehistoric times, men were tasked with populating the earth this is certainly not true today and is not a defensible excuse for cheating on your partner. The truth is that in a truly loving relationship a man should be able to control himself and remain faithful despite any hormonal urges to produce offspring. The theory of man being predisposed to cheating does not hold water because while it may be true, there is no excuse for not being able to quell these urges.
Another reason men cheat is because they feel a sense of challenge in their infidelity. Actually being able to get away with an affair is a challenge that men enjoy. Additionally they enjoy the challenge of finding other women with which to cheat. The affair is more about the conquest then anything else. Sure they may enjoy the physicality of the affair, but the pursuit and sneaking around is what really drives men who cheat on their partners. They see fooling their partner as a tremendous accomplishment and they enjoy the logistics of orchestrating the affair without their partner learning of their transgressions. To them the thrill of sneaking around and the fear of being caught creates and adrenaline rush that is more important than the affair or even their current relationship. Men also cheat because they are driven by competition.
Many men also engage in affairs because doing so serves as an ego boost. The knowledge that multiple women can be found who are willing to engage in an intimate relationship with them is a tremendous self esteem builder for some men. Pride is taken in the ability to attract women and not caring about the fact that doing so may destroy their relationship. To these men the excitement of the chase is almost more important than the conquest. Sometimes just knowing that other women find them desirable, is enough to stroke the ego of these men. To be honest it is a lack of self esteem on the part of these men that drives them to seek out affairs in order to reiterate their attractiveness and desirability.
A man who is in an undesirable relationship may also be driven to cheat on their partner. If the relationship has begun to wane and the man no longer feels the same attraction to his partner he may seek out an affair out of boredom. If he feels his current relationship is lacking excitement he may also be driven to cheat in the hopes that he will find the excitement he desires elsewhere.
While the wise thing may be to end the deteriorating relationship in search of a new more desirable partner, many men opt to hold onto the current relationship and engage in affairs. This may be because they fear that they may not find what they are looking for and may be left lonely and without a partner so they hold onto the failing relationship figuring that a bad relationship is better than none at all. It could also be due to the economics of a split (divorce, dating startup costs (its true it can be costly)).
So, the main reasons that men cheat include genetics, self esteem and boredom. In general while genetics may play a small part in the urge for men to cheat the majority of cheating takes place because men cannot control their sexual and competitive urges, are lacking in self esteem or are unhappy in their current relationship.
So women, let the freak out, help to keep the variety IN your relationship (it is a two way street though), communicate with your partner, be supportive, go out on dates, stroke his ego (smile) and keep the light glowing in your relationship.
Have a Merry Christmas and a Properous New Year!
L